Blame the Victim

Today a male left two comments on my Addicted to Spying post. I approved them both and replied, but after thinking about it for a little while, I’m annoyed.
The gist of his opinion seemed to be that I had obviously only married my ex for money, was pressing criminal charges because I didn’t get what I wanted in the divorce, he was entitled to spy on me, and I was probably doing something wrong and my husband had to spy on me – I must have deserved it.

Ridiculous. I don’t drink, but I’d be pretty pissed if I had to breathe into one of those dwi ignition locks everytime I got in the car. Or how about getting randomly pulled over by the police and searched because I drive a pimped out Escalade? Do I deserve to be groped or worse if I wear sexy clothes?

A very smart woman once told me that “If you look for something, you will find it.” By that, she didn’t mean actual proof, she meant that if you have convinced yourself that something is true, all of the proof to the contrary will not change your mind. My favorite personal example of this was a blank white credit card with a magnetic strip and an arrow on it, that my ex “found” while digging in my purse. To him, it was obviously a hotel room key. Actually, it was a prepaid card used strictly for the purpose of making photocopies at the library. I offered to take him and prove it at the library…but he was more interested in being mad.

It’s like who shot JFK. Everyone has the same info – but people can explain away almost anything in the interest of being right.

“It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” – Al Gore, inventor of global warming and the internet. (And husband of Tipper, censorship diva)

I will be gracious to dissenting opinions, but I will not debate on my blog. We can do that on yours, if you like. My purpose here is not to deflect blame for my marriage mistakes, or to vindicate myself by enumerating all of the things I think my husband did wrong in 8 years together. I started this blog hoping to help other victims see a light at the end of the tunnel (one not attached to a surveillance camera), to help their friends and family understand that the victim isn’t crazy or doing something to deserve it, and to show that spouse out there that might be considering going down the road to this addiction, that it ends in handcuffs.

And maybe to vent. Just a little.

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